The Power of Invisibility

Guest Author: Tracy Panzarella

I’m different than I used to be. Age has changed me. It’s awakened a power in me; a confidence I never had. It’s the power of being invisible. Let me explain.

I know what you’re thinking; invisibility is the curse of aging, particularly for women. Women get older and they are overlooked. Worse--forgotten. No one listens to what they have to say (even less than they did before). They aren’t hirable. Dateable. Desirable. Respected (even less than they were before).

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Daddy Lessons

Like a lot of women, I spent most of my life trying to be visible. It started with my dad. He paid attention to lots of women, just not me. I remember in high school wanting to be a cheerleader because I thought that would get my dad’s attention. I imagined myself wearing my uniform to his office, and he would be proud of me.

I’m not sure why I thought a cheerleading uniform would be any different than a soccer uniform. I wore one of those and was even one of the standout players in our community. Dad only seemed to notice the plays I didn’t make or the games that I didn’t play well.

The day of the cheer tryouts, my dad dropped me off at school. It was a Saturday, and I can remember the way the day felt: heavy. The car ride over was a tirade of my father berating my anti-feminist decision for wanting to “shake my ass in front of a stadium of people.” When we got there, he looked at the other girls in their pleated skirts practicing their routines. One in particular stood out to him. He turned to me as I was getting out of the car and said, “You see that girl over there? Now that’s what a cheerleader should look like.”

The only think that was shaken that day was my confidence. Needless to say, I didn’t make the cheer squad. I would have to find other ways for my dad to notice me. Straight A’s? Class President? Prom Queen? Dean’s List? Major in Economics?

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See-Through Pants and the Curse of the Hot Gene

My quest for visibility didn’t end with my father. As I got older, I transferred it to other men, usually the ones who weren’t nearly as interested in me as I was in them. This became a pattern for my personal life, a pattern of interminable suffering. I either sought men that I didn’t really want who chased after me, or men I chased after who didn’t really want me. Someone was always running. Usually me.

Being visible extended into more than just my personal life. It became a theme for my career as well. I worked as a writer which led to local television and that led to guest spots on national television shows. Being noticed for being on television is the ultimate goal for someone trying to be visible. The fame just never lasted long enough to sustain my needs. In some ways television was just like another man I was chasing after that would ultimately reject or betray me.

I would describe my younger self as colorful, sometimes psychedelic. When I walked into a room, I definitely got attention. A lot of it was negative. It came from other women, threatened by my looks or the freedom I embodied that they were no longer in touch with. Men were often overwhelmed. Visibility, it turns out, can be isolating.

We were cleaning out boxes in the garage one day and my daughter pulled out a pair of pants I used to wear. They were a mesh knit and completely see-through. She held them up and we both started laughing because we both knew there was a day I wore those. By today’s standards see-through pants are not so crazy, but to my kids they sort of epitomized their sometimes too visible mom.

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Awakened, Not Stirred

Something changed in my 50s and no, it wasn’t my body. I can still rock see-through pants. I can still get noticed for my beauty. The difference is I no longer need or want that visibility. I prefer to be a quiet energy that enters a room and absorbs my environment rather than stirs it. I’ve stopped talking and started listening. Listeners are not particularly visible but they are sometimes the only present energy in the room.

When you aren’t worried about being seen, you have the opportunity to be present and to see without judgment. What a world I’d been missing by trying not to be missed or overlooked. Such clarity. Such peace. It’s an absolute irony that at this unprecedented time in history when people are globally focused on being noticed, being more visible, I’ve found an unexpected power source in being invisible.

It’s not age but choice that has changed me. I no longer lead or lag behind my confidence. We are a team now. We flow in the same time space continuum; one of us is not present without the other. Because you can’t separate us, you also can’t undermine us.

These days I feel like I’m wearing even less than see-through pants. I’m wearing a cloak of invisibility. It’s my super power, and I’m finally ruling my world.

About Tracy:

Tracy is an OG badass who has been rocking the Girls Gone Wiled mindset her Whole. Damn. Life. She's got the brains, beauty, and business savvy that could destroy the confidence of any man, woman, or child that crosses her path. But she chooses to lift up others because she's a total boss. I mean...look at her. Come on.

Tracy Panzarella (AKA Life Goals)